Dear Stranger

Howdy,

Today, the Wall Street Journal took its eyes off the Congressional Government 101:The Constitution and You class and instead focused its reporting on a far more pressing concern:

How to choose greetings in emails.

Long a vexing problem for anybody who has ever communicated through a computer, the choice of what salutation to use when kicking off an email is almost as important, if not more, than the content of the message itself.

The article makes the case that usage of the word "Dear" as in "Dear Rolf," is antiquated and implies a intimacy that most people would be uncomfortable with. In other words, it is as archaic as standing up when a woman arrives at or leaves the table. Or calling women "Pumpkin" or "Muffin." Or, my personal favorite, "Cupcake."

Apparently, we are not to start letters with "Dear" anymore. So what are we to use?

One option is to open with the text of the email. This, however, can come off as abrupt and curt. As commissioner of a fantasy baseball league (that's right, ladies. Commissioner), I once got an email that just said "I just won the league. Where's my money?" Maybe if the guy had said hello before he demanded his winnings, I would have felt guilty about embezzling the pot.

Or you can use the word "Hey" or "Hi," which are basically what we use for starting conversations anyway. However, these can be a tad too informal. Imagine the following: "Hi Judge! Sorry to bother you, but I need a continuance for tomorrow's trial. You see, a sorority is having its annual reunion at my favorite bar tonight and I desperately need to 'just happen to be there.' Cool? Cool. Thanks!" Although if the judge somehow goes for that, congratulations! You've basically won your case.

The article suggests other words, but they are even worse: "Greetings," for instance, is the two-handed handshake of letter writing, best left to old Italian men who have not yet mastered the language. "Yo" is easy, and should be reserved only for frat brothers, as science has proved that the minute you start greeting a girl with it is the minute that she forever drops you as a potential future sexual partner. And, of course, there's "Salutations," which is the leading cause of email deletion on the internet today.

In fact, I would argue that a more pressing concern for email writers would lie in the valediction. I myself use "cheers," which is nice and vaguely British and connotes both that I wish the recipient happiness and that I am currently drinking, two events which are usually true. If it is the first email in an important or formal message, I use "Best." And, of course, the pronouny ones: "Sincerely," "Cordially," "Warmly," etc.

And those are about the only acceptable ones. "Kind regards," makes you sound like someone who everybody, including his friends, calls "Uncle Milton." Even Prince Charles wouldn't ever use "Toodles." And please, if you're a guy, never, ever, ever use "xoxo." Ever. Please. At the risk of sounding misogynistic, it's honestly just plain weird. If you wouldn't say it, don't use it.

That also applies to winky faces. Good God, what do those even mean?

Cordially,
Charlie