The Fast and the Curious

I tried, guys. I really tried.

Partly in solidarity with my Jewish friends, and partly because I did not go to the gym at all over the last three days, I was planning on embracing my inner Jew and doing the whole Yom Kippur thing and fasting.

About an hour into the experience, I was informed by a reliable source that water was also prohibited under the rules of atonement. Still nursing a hangover from the prior night's booze cruise, I expressed dismay at the notion. (Oy! I believe I said). When pressed, my source informed me that sacramental wine and even Manischewitz were also outlawed.

Upon hearing these unfortunate news, my dismay grew exponentially and I became very flustered. Why, I was turning into a Jew before everyone's eyes.

It was then that I decided to terminate the experiment. As a fan of the Jesus and enthusiastic eater, Yom Kippur simply is not for me. The sad state of my fridge prevented me from reacquainting myself with food via bacon-wrapped shrimp, a meal sure to send the little Hebrew living inside me into paroxysms of terror.

Instead, I noshed on wheat thins and hummus. I originally believed this combination to be an exception to the fasting rule. I was wrong.

Shrugging, I enjoyed a donut and a bowl of cereal. So I failed at pretending to be a Jew. These things happen. Plus, a day of atonement is not enough for me -- likely, I need weeks, perhaps months.

If I'm ever stranded on a desert island, and am forced into an involuntary fast, I might entertain this notion again. Until then, however, I remain, as always, a Goy.