Fall Down and Go Boom

It seems that summer now technically has come to an end. To this I ask:

Where the f@&* did it go?

I know that for all intents an purposes, summer unofficially runs from Memorial Day to Labor Day. I tend to embrace this way of thinking in May, since it means summer comes earlier, but then also pay attention to the official calendar in the Fall, since it means fall comes later. This is, of course, a double standard of the highest order, yet probably not even in the Top 100 of the ones to which I subscribe.

Whatever. I am large. I contain multitudes.

In the interest of looking on the bright side, I will now turn to the pros of Autumn:

1. Football is back. God knows what’s wrong with Brady. The Pats would be 0-2 but for the Bills being the Bills. Against the Jets (of all goddamned teams, the Jets), he looked as lost as I’ve ever seen a quarterback look lost (non Jake Delhomme division). It’s as if they took out Tom Terrific and replaced him with Bizarro Brady. In fact, let’s all listen to the Brady anthem for inspiration. I still believe.

2. Less sweating. As a large man, I tend to sweat. As someone who eats a lot of meat, I tend to sweat. As someone who, believe it or not, actually exercises regularly, I tend to sweat. As someone who doesn’t have class until 1 p.m. and assumes he has plenty of time only to fart around and then find out he does not have as much time as he originally thought so now he has to half-jog to class, I tend to sweat. As a foreigner in America on the last 8 months of his visa, I tend to sweat. In short, with the weather ameliorating, I will still sweat, but at least now I won’t drown unfortunate ants.

3. Fall TV. The Office, 30 Rock, How I Met Your Mother, and It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia are back. Community looks pretty funny (Ass Burger hehe). In other words, there’s stuff on TV again!

Now, in the interest of fairness, let’s look at the cons of Autumn.

1. No more grilling. The four basic food groups: Bun, Patty, Cheese, and BBQ Sauce, will no longer be available from grills on placid summer evenings. Now, we will have to go to restaurants to get a nice juicy burger. There are worse fates, of course. But there are few things as satisfying as grilling cow flesh with your bare hands, and cooking it to a point where it tastes like it died screaming. Cook it in my own kitchen? I could, of course. But one, I’m indoors. Two, using a pan (or God Forbid, a Foreman grill) is not the same. And three, my oven is still (after two and a half years) in mint condition. Let’s not go there quite yet.

2. No more Summer Ale. The taps of this wonderful beer have, um, tapped out. Although Octoberfest is a fine beer in its own right, Summer Ale is fantastic. This appeal comes mainly from its association with all that is great about summer. Also its association with drinking until you can’t feel feelings anymore.

3. The darkness. The encroaching darkness creeping faster and faster every day, chilling the air and forcing coats on us, which we then have to lug to the bars, and since most of Boston refuses to embrace civilization and provide coat checks, become a burden upon the crook of our arm, forcing awkward fumbling when meeting people while simultaneously drinking and trying to make eye contact with the bartender, who is avoiding you because your cleavage contains chest hair instead of boobs.

In short, if you see a desperate man in a polo shirt flipping burgers and warming his hands on a grill in a 40 degree chill, please bring him Scotch so that he may warm up and not die. Thanks.