Bad News Bears

Long before Stephen Colbert took up the cause on his show, I have maintained that bears are the biggest threat mankind has ever faced. For years I have been running around America, shaking people and screaming in their face until they listen to my warnings. I hate to be quite so pushy about the whole thing, but unless we stop the bears now, it will be too late.

Make no mistakes, bears are vile, evil creatures who will stop at nothing until they have eaten both you and your family alive. Bears, as a group, would like nothing more than to dine on each and every single one of us. Black bears, grizzly bears, brown bears, care bears, it doesn't matter what kind of bear. They want to see us burn. On a spit. And then served with a delicate but tasty garnish.

Sure, they may seem cute and cuddly. To that end, they have co-opted our popular culture and masquerade as children's guardians. Smokey the Bear, the Berenstain Bears, Winnie the Pooh and that asshole Teddy Ruxpin will smile and pretend to be cute and cuddly and then in the sark of night would generously season those children with salt and pepper and then toss them in the oven.

Their plan is the utter destruction of the human race, and for that they should all be destroyed.

If we are lucky and quick of mind, however, we may be able to trick them into destroying themselves. Witness the following clip, which I affectionally call "The Assassination of Yogi Bear by the Coward Booboo Bear."

I cannot wait for this movie to come out. Maybe then the endless commercials will stop. But if nothing else, it was all worth it for the cut scene right before the credits roll in the above clip. That's just priceless.

Meanwhile, stay safe, keep vigilant, and remember, Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you.

Now, if you'll excuse, I must return to my screenplay for the Snakes on a Plane sequel. It's called Bears on a Boat, and it will scare the living crap out of you.