Is There a Doctor in the House?

It's pretty much impossible not to enjoy a Ben Linus episode. Despite being beaten up more than anyone on TV since Shemp Howard, Linus remains Lost's best character. And on a show that boasts characters such as Locke, Desmond, and Sawyer, that's an accomplishment indeed. How someone can thread the line between a toady and a Machiavellian mastermind so ably is beyond me. And despite looking no more intimidating than that weirdo everyone knew back in high school, Linus is the show's most menacing character, and every time he is on screen is a treat.

Ben. Michael Emerson absolutely nailed it this episode. That scene in the jungle with Ilana? Absolutely effing brilliant. But first things first.

Dr. Linus, TFA graduate, is somehow best friends with Leslie Arzt. The poor bastard. No matter what, Linus can't get a win, can he? Even after all this time, Ben can only hang out with perhaps the most annoying character the show has ever produced. Oh, shut up, Frogurt.

And he doesn't get any respect. I mean, he didn't go through five years of evil Other school to be called mister, thank you very much.

The sideways story was saturated in subtext. The island of Elba where a powerless Napoleon roams, in charge in name only. Power struggles. The tanks of oxygen for his dad, who in this world was never gassed by his son. Making sure Tracy Flick's Alex's life is not destroyed. I don't think any other character has had a sideways glance where the storyline in the sideways world mirrored so closely the actual island world.

Except this was high school, of course. For a minute, I was really afraid that the pervert comment was prompting us down the path of a high school special -- although, if that were the case, I'm sure Linus would have killed the principal, which would have been awesome.

As it was, the epic power struggle (that was sarcasm) really magnifies what the split between realities means for Linus. In one world, he can literally move islands. In the other? He wants to be a high school principal.

Not the most pressing of stakes, but it's nice to see Linus get a chance to help out Alex at his own expense. Yale is better than being shot in the head, I suppose. But at least it wasn't Princeton.

Over on the Island, Linus got sold out in the worst way possible, and for no reason. ... Ok, I guess telling the truth is a good reason, but where's the fun in that?

I've never understood the "dig your own grave, convict" line of reasoning. If I'm a dead man walking, I'll be damned if I'm going to exert myself for your convenience. I may die sooner, true. But if you must insist on killing me, I will make you deal with the consequences. So you dig the damn grave. And if you don't bury me? I don't care because I'm dead. But I will smell. SO YOU LOSE ANYWAY!

I thought we were going to see Linus bite it this episode. But then the Lockeness Monster shows up and offers him stewardship of the Island. It's what he's always wanted! All Linus has to do is run, grab a gun, kill the minor character, and join the army of the undead. It makes too much sense!

But not this time. Instead, Linus re-ups with demption and chooses the path of good. Choosing not to kill Ilana, he instead confesses his sins. And this scene was phenomenal. Michael Emerson can really take dialogue that would be schmaltz in the hands of a lesser actor and spin it into gold. Why would you go to Locke? "Because he's the only one who'll have me," he sputters, broken at last. Benjamin Linus, the one person on the Island who (kind of) knew what was going on, is reduced to this. How the mighty have fallen.

But he sure seems to have a shot at redemption, doesn't he? He rejoins Team Jacob, despite having killed its captain. Maybe he doesn't deserve it, but Linus is going to be given a chance to do some good.

And maybe it's all he has left. That last scene, with everyone reunited and happy, all Linus was doing was standing off to the side, hunched with his terrible posture, awkward and barely acknowledged. This is the man who is best friends with Leslie Arzt in the other world. How the mighty have fallen, indeed.

Ilana. Xena the Warrior Princess bugs me. For a character with about ten total minutes of screen time, she sure is marching around the Island like she owns the place.

I mean, you can't threaten a major character like Linus when you've only been on the show for that little amount of time. You have to earn it, woman.

I'm torn. On the one hand, she desperately needs a flashback in order to gain some relevance and move away from her current, "who is this and where does she get off" status. On the other hand, I would hate for Lost to sacrifice any of their remaining nine hours on her, leaving us with less time for the Sawyers and Desmonds of the world.

So I was really rooting for Linus to kill her. When he had her at gunpoint, I thought, YES. We're going to get rid of another Dogen and Lennon! But then Linus had his moment of redemption, which is great for his character. Unfortunately, it has the unwanted side effect of more time spent looking at this woman walk up and down the beach with a rifle, looking like she got to Disneyland three minutes after it closed.

Miles. Dude, way to sell out Linus. Although I'll give you bonus points for the mocking "Uh oh." Well played.

Oh, and picking up the diamonds Nikki and Paolo were buried with? Excellent. Somehow picking up the "jabronies" nickname that Sawyer called them? Odd. Odd indeed.

Jack. The other day, my mom scolded me for always making fun of Jack. Of course, now I will always make fun of him. In fact, I live in fear of the day when we'll have an episode where Jack avoids doing something stupid. Luckily, this was not that episode.

Suicidal guy you know: I want to die, but I can't kill myself. Would you kill me?
Dr. Shepherd: Sure! Dynamite ok?

As your attorney, Dr. Kevorkian, I would like to remind you that physician-assisted euthanasia is illegal in 47 states.

Perhaps I am being unfair to Jack. After all, he knew that the dynamite would not explode and he was merely using the threat of blowing himself up like a suicide bomber to make a point. Right? I mean, he was certain that Jacob wouldn't let him die, just like he didn't let the other 102 names that are crossed off die. Does that make sense? Surely he has forgotten about the incredible exploding Arzt, even though it happened right in front of him. Isn't it clear? He couldn't have said what he said to Richard without a lit fuse of dynamite, no way, no sir, no how.

All I'm saying is, Sideways Locke better not go to see Jack about his paralysis. Because Jack is going to grab Locke and jump out the 8th floor window with him.

Hurley. Reunion time! As Adam said, nothing is funnier than Hurley running. Those slo-mo shots where everyone reunites back on the beach are always nice, though do you really think Sun and Hurley would literally run towards each other? Shouldn't they have reserved that shot for the Jin-Sun reunion?

And is anyone else upset the soaring violins prevented us from hearing four drink-activating "Dude, you're alive!" exclamations this episode?

Richard. The ageless wonder sunk deep into despair this week. Apparently, when Jacob touches you, he gives you a gift. Richards' gift is agelessness. I would have said immortality, but it seems he can be killed by other people. And that's a pretty crappy gift, isn't it? Richard, you can't kill yourself, but you sure can be killed by others. Um, thanks?

Next week, Widmore brings war to the Island. Also important, we learned that there was indeed a Dharma initiative and that they did spend some time on the Island. So what actually happened to sink it is anyone's guess.

As for now, I'm off to call my congressman and demand more Sawyer. I suggest you do the same.