The Revolucion Will Not be Televised

I am often asked what I miss most about Mexico, as if the answer could be anything other than eating tacos at 70 degree weather in the middle of what Mexicans charmingly call "Winter."

But of course there is a flip side to all this. While I do tend to spend 50 out of 52 weeks in the good ol' U.S. of A., I do spend a few days in Mexico every year.

And even then I am rarely asked what I miss the most in the U.S.A.

The answer is manifold, as you might expect. I miss, of course, the sweet smell of freedom, which to my nose is like fresh cut grass. I miss the fact that the mailman comes every day, despite flooding my mailbox with only bills and catalogs. I miss the fact that movie theaters carry pictures other than dubbed incarnations of the Twilight and Alvin and the Chipmunks movies. Most of all, I guess I miss good old fashioned actual blondes, both for their obvious physical appeal and for the true stories unfair jokes at their expense.

But you know what surprised me in how much I miss it?

Hulu.com.

Lawyers, in their mad quest to ruin everything that's fun, have made it impossible for anyone outside the U.S. to access Hulu.com. Whenever I try to watch anything on Hulu from here in Mexico -- from old episodes to new ones to even promos for God's sake, I get the following message:

"We're sorry, currently our video library can only be streamed within the United States. For more information on Hulu's international availability, please click here."

And why, you damned lawyers, can't I enjoy Hulu in the comfort of my Mexican porch?

For now, Hulu is a U.S. service only. That said, our intention is to make Hulu's growing content lineup available worldwide. This requires clearing the rights for each show or film in each specific geography and will take time. We're encouraged by how many content providers have already been working along these lines so that their programs can be available over the Internet to a much larger, global audience. The Hulu team is committed to making great programming available across the globe.

WELL, THAT'S JUST GARBAGE. All I want to do is watch Saturday Night Live the way normal people do: at my convenience while I recover from hangovers on a Sunday afternoon. And you can't give me that? Because I'm on vacation in Mexico? GO DROWN YOURSELVES IN ACID.

I've even tried to cut the middleman and get my shows directly from the networks' own sites. But nbc.com, abc.com, fox.com and cbs.com all come back at me with similar hurdles. Playback is not supported in my region. I am outside the viewing area. My network is outside the parameters. You can't watch -- neener neener neener.

This means I have to watch things live, and who does that anymore? I feel like my own grandpa. At least every show is in re-runs right now, so I'm not missing anything.

But you goddamned lawyers ruined my plan to catch up on other shows. And precisely in the only three weeks a year when I have absolutely nothing to do but turn myself over every once in a while so I sunburn evenly. For this you will pay, you hear me? You will pay!

How, I have no idea. But now I won't feel bad about our less than legal satellite hook-up.