This episode was all over the place. They had to draw from seven different stories and bring them together quickly, almost like the writers looked at the calendar and realized, Oh crap, we have to wrap things up. This reminded me of my Cold Stone Ice Cream theory, which is that the people at Cold Stone make ice cream the way drunk people make food. They go through the cupboards, grab everything in there -- peanut butter, gummi bears, chocolate bars, jalapeno peppers -- and throw it together, mash it up a little bit, and here it is. That will be six dollars, so I really hope you like it.
Since everybody was together and interacting and nobody was off kind of doing their own thing, I'm going to forego the usual character-by-character analysis and forge ahead with a straight recap with some thoughts sprinkled in.
The episode starts where we left off, in a Mexican stand-off at the Smocke compound. Smocke immediately disses Hurley and the rest of the crew and plays catch-up with Jack, which we all should have expected. And then we learn -- we got an Answer so everyone drink! -- that Christian Shephard was the Man in Black all along and that he played someone's daddy issues like a fiddle. Shout-out to Barney Stinson!
Meanwhile, I am happy to inform all of our alumni that Oceanic Reunion 2004 has finally found a venue! We will be holding the annual reunion at Jack Shephard's hospital, otherwise known as the only hospital in L.A.. Kindly RSVP in an expeditious manner.
At this point, the Sideways world seems to be converging around the central question: how do we manipulate the plot so that every castaway lands at Jack's hospital? I assume Sawyer and Miles will bring Sayid to the hospital so JinandSun can id him, which only leaves Kate, who is currently in custody of the LAPD, and Hurley, who is currently in custody of Libby. Guesses as to how they will get to the hospital?
On the Island, Claire meets up with Jack and says that he is the only family she has, so thanks for coming back. Awkward moment #1. Keep track of these.
Meanwhile, back in the sideways world, Sawyer the cop is once again attempting to sleep with one of his suspects. Just as I was writing down "Dude is totally hitting on her," Kate said, "Are you hitting on me?" It was kind of obvious that Sawyer's next move was going to be taking her to the interrogation room. But before they can do a cavity search (sorry), we get some news. Sawyer needs to arrest Sayid. Sawver vs. Sayid? Me likey.
Cut back to the Island, where Grungy Tina Fey (who finally took a shower) shows up out of nowhere and tells Smocke to give her back what he stole from her -- the package. She keeps referring to Desmond as an it, and it's kind of starting to bug me. You can't objectify men like this, writers. I might go back to school now for gender studies and write a dissertation about how this show perpetuates the objectification of men and sets back our struggle thousands of years. (See: Smocke as the Thing).
So Tina Fey shows up and literally starts dropping bombs and being all bad-ass. Call me, she says, and bad-assedly tosses the walkie-talkie to Smocke. But Smocke, not to be out-badassed, takes his stick and beats the walkie-talkie to death. And everybody goes, oooooh.
Back in the sideways universe, Desmond has followed Claire to the adoption clinic and proceeds to become ultra-aggressive. For a second, I thought Claire was going to blow the rape-whistle on Des. He wasn't exactly hitting on her, but it sure felt like that. Dude was coming on strong, wasn't he? I don't think that offering a lonely foreign girl who is like 10 months pregnant and at an adoption agency a free lawyer is good game, but what do I know. And look at that! It worked!
Cut to the biggest disappointment of my life as a Lost fan. If Juliet and Kate rolling around in the mud while handcuffed to each other was my best moment, this was the complete opposite of that.
I've always clamored for a lawyer on the show, and was a bit upset that either Sawyer or Ben Linus didn't get to moonlight as attorneys (litigation and corporate) over in the sideways world. I imagine they'd be good at it and it was a lost opportunity to get some representation on the show.
Instead we get this. Our Lost lawyer? Friggin' Ilana. Really, Lost writers? Really? The only lawyer on the show is the worst character on the show? Not cool! I know most people hate us, and I kind of get why, but way to perpetuate the stereotypes, guys. You set lawyers back at least 100 years. Now we're at -100. Thanks.
Back on the Island, Smocke is ready to make his move and commissions Sawyer to go find a boat. To help Sawyer find it, Smocke gives him a map that was drawn by one of the three-year olds he got from the Anothers. Worst map ever.
Sawyer then gives Jack the invite list for the booze cruise, which does not include Sayid or Claire. Apparently, zombies and crazies are not invited. And is it just me or does anyone else think that Jack would probably be terrible at a party? I bet you he is one of those drunks who mopes, and then, when confronted, cries.
Smocke then deputizes Sayid and orders him to execute Desmond, who is being held in a well. I assume that Smocke can't kill Desmond directly, because that would break the rules, and so needs someone else to go do the dirty work for him. Naturally, Sayid agrees.
And then we get the best scene of the episode. Granted, it was kind of by default, but it was still a pretty good scene. The conversation between Desmond and Sayid was terrific, with Henry Ian Cusick really bringing it. Even though the "talk him out of killing you calmly" trick has been done before, Desmond sold it, especially with the "What will you tell her?" line. Somewhere in his zombie brain, Sayid finally cracked. I will bet anyone ten dollars that Sayid did not execute his orders.
Also, that well looked to be about 12 feet deep. I really hope Desmond has a broken leg, because that thing seemed more escapable than they Hydra cages.
Over in the side-ways world, Sayid takes Cryptic Avenue instead of telling Nadia that the bad guys are dead and now he needs to hide from the cops. The minute I saw Miles alone, I knew we were going to get a Sawyer-Sayid fight. And I was stoked. Really stoked.
Instead we got the most disappointing fight in the show's history. It wasn't even a fight. Sawyer beat Sayid, perhaps the most resourceful guy on the Island, by tripping him with a garden hose. That was anti-climatic, to say the least. Onward.
On the Island, Sawyer asks Kate if she's ready to get wet. He kind of got over Juliet quickly, didn't he? Sawyer then makes sure his gun is well-strapped to his back, and then dives right back in the ocean with it. I don't know much about guns (really, I swear), but I know that, unless you took some time to take that gun apart and dry it off piece-by-piece, that gun is not going to fire now. And if the shells got wet? You might as well use that thing as a club.
On the march to Hydra Island, Sun gets to write her one line of the episode. Jack asks Claire why she is with Locke and she says that it's because he is the only one who didn't abandon her. Awkward Moment #2. Then Smocke goes off to see what was keeping Sayid and Jack gets his chance. Everyone -- ok, just the three of you! -- run this way!
And what do they see? Sawyer and Kate doing this:
THEY'RE ON A BOAT!
Everyone is ready to get on the boat and get the booze cruise started, but uh-oh. Claire, who had been slated to stay at Kinko's making copies, is there. Awkward moment #3.
In fact, this whole Claire doesn't get to go on the boat was SO awkward. I'm talking Office-level awkward. It was like when you are trying to put together a road trip. And you're running around inviting all your friends. And everyone of your friends asks you why you're not inviting Freakazoid. And you say, because we call her Freakazoid. And everyone shrugs and says OK, because that kind of makes a lot of sense.
But then, right when you're ready to leave, and everybody's got their bags and Kate has the chips and Frank brought the booze and, yo, Jack, you bring the steaks and the grill? Good. Everyone ready? Let's go! WE'RE ON A BOAT!
And the you turn around. And what do you see but Freakazoid, confused and hurt, pointing a gun at you.
AW-KWARD!
Claire and Kate make nice and Claire gets on the boat, much to Sawyer's chagrin. But off they go to Hydra Island to meet up with Widmore and hijack his sub. Sawyer's plan seems perfect.
Problem is, it isn't. And everyone knows it. Jack and Sawyer have a talk. And, for perhaps the first time in the history of the show, Jack is the one making sense. Sawyer's the one being obstinate and obtuse. Jack says the Island isn't done with them, and that there must be a reason -- a bad one -- why the Smocke-ness Monster wants them all off the Island so badly. Doc's got a point.
And then it got hilarious. Because of the circumstances, Sawyer can't do the "I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND, MISTER!" strategy, so he does the next best thing. He kicks Jack off the boat. In other words, the often cited but rarely used "Get out of the car" move. "Get off my boat,"
Meanwhile, Smocke suspects that Sayid did not execute the plan and then finds out that Sawyer stole his boat. So he's probably not too happy.
Cue Widmore, who initiates the blitzkrieg and attacks the jungle to the strains of "Ride of the Valkyries." Jack almost gets himself exploded. But then Smocke mistakes Jack for Alpert and carries a semi-conscious Jack into the Island where exploding trees are more likely to fall on them.
Over on Hydra Island, Sawyer arrives with Team Hijack the Submarine. And it seems he's been conned, which is somewhat disappointing. Boy, Sawyer went 0-for-the episode on this one. Yeesh.
We do get one piece of good news, and that is the Sun and Jin reunion. After three years, the moment everyone's been waiting for! This should be super emotional! A five-hanky moment! Play it, Jin and Sun! Make everyone cry!
Instead, it isn't really. One, it wasn't shot very well. There was not enough slo-mo and strings. (It sounds like I'm being sarcastic but I'm not. The tone felt off). Their coming together felt rushed. The cuts to everyone else's smiling faces were cheesy, Lapidus's "Looks like she found her voice again," was super cheesy. And they were speaking in English to each other, which was weird and really took you out of the story.
And two, the way the reunion was framed. Sun and Jin were on opposite sides of the sonic fence and, for about two seconds, I thought that the fence was on and that either Jin or Sun was going to get their brain fried. So instead of thinking, "Yay! They're back together!" I was thinking, "The writers can't possibly be THAT cruel." And if the director intended to do that, it ruined the moment intentionally, and if he didn't it ruined the moment accidentally. But whatever the intention was, YOU RUINED THE MOMENT, DIRECTOR. Shame.
Looking back over this recap, there's a lot of snark and sarcasm and I feel like I am being more of a jackass than I usually am. But I guess that just means the episode just didn't do it for me. I know that the writers need to get everyone in position for the looming finale, but everything about this episode felt scatter-shot and sloppy. And even scenes that should have killed -- the Sun and Jin reunion -- kind of fizzed out. And the awful scenes -- every scene between Jack and his son on Sideways world felt like an early 90s PSA -- were really awful.
I believe that this is a one time thing and a natural result of having to set up the final confrontation that will play out over the last couple of episodes. And scenes like the Desmond-Sayid conversation prove that this show still has it. They just have to focus and harness it.
There is no Lost next week (I know!), so God knows what I'll be doing with myself next Tuesday. Probably weep.
4 comments:
Glee is on Tuesday nights. PROBLEM SOLVED!
I CHOOSE DEATH.
Next week: re-watch The Pilot.
did you see the boat they were sailing was the "Elizabeth"? a.k.a. the boat Libby gave to Desmond to sail around the world? I thought that was cute.
(not sure if you put it in your post because I can't read things that are that damn long)
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