Over the Milky Way

Just now, I really wanted a snack. So I thought, you know what would really be terrific? A Milky Way. That sounds really good, actually. I’ll go have a Milky Way.

So I walked over to the vending machine, put in a dollar, scanned the machine, and located the Milky Ways.

But then I noticed that, in front of all the Milky Ways was a lone, miserable Snickers bar. This Snickers bar, somehow, had wandered away from its duly appointed Snickers line and gone over next door. There, sitting at the front of the line and thus blocking the progress of the Milky Ways, sat that smug Snickers bar, mocking me.

I looked inside my wallet. I no longer had any $1 bills. I didn’t have enough money to buy the offending Snickers bar, fling it out the window to a horrible fate twelve stories below, and then buy by what this point had become an impossible goal – the Milky Way bar. I couldn’t throw money at this problem so it would go away. My drug lord’s strategy lay in shambles at my feet.

I pondered. Maybe I can wait, I thought. Maybe someone will come in and want to buy a Snickers bar. As soon as that Snickers bar is gone, I can finally have my Milky Way.

But then I was assailed by doubt. What if no one comes? What if someone does come and they want something horrible, like a vanilla granola bar? What if they come in and actually want a Snickers, but they pick it from the actual Snickers line, leaving the offending Snickers still blocking the Milky Ways with utter impunity?

These were too many questions. I quickly grew flustered. The lack of a candy bar made me confused and frightened. I started to sweat. Where was I to go? What was I to do?

Panicked, I did the only thing I could think of. I let instinct take over, pushed two buttons and random, closed my eyes, and prepared for death.

Clunk.

I opened my eyes and reached inside the compartment. I grabbed the snack and pulled it out.

The vanilla granola bar. The goddamned vanilla granola bar. Of course.

And that, your honor, is why I threw a vending machine out a twelfth-floor window.