With Emotion?

This is a true story.

So I'm running errands downtown today and when I was done running them I go into a bar, because why not. Geez, relax. It was after 5. Somewhere.

Anyway, I walk into this bar and I look for a place to sit and I see this woman and and she's sitting at the corner of the bar but facing the door, right? So all I can see is basically what's above the shoulders, but damn, I like it.

So, naturally, I go sit at that corner of the bar, around the corner from her, so to speak, so that we're perpendicular to each other.

And, unlike January Jones last time, this one seems to be in a good mood, so I start making small talk and she actually starts making small talk back.

I know!

Then we keep talking and I'm starting to like her and it seems to be going well. And then I notice the glass in front of her is empty.

So, emboldened, I offer to buy her a drink.

"Oh no, thank you, but I can't, I'm sorry."

"What?" I ask, "Why? Because it's before five?"

"No," she says, and swings her stool away from the door and stands up a little. "Because I'm pregnant."

And she is. She's like, really pregnant. And I couldn't see it because this humongous belly was hidden by the bar.

"Oh," I say, because that's as much as my mind can produce at that moment.

She sits back down and gestures at the glass. "I'm not drinking. That was water. I'm just waiting for a friend."

See, if this was a TV show, I would have thought of something clever to say, like "Well, I guess I'm drinking for two, then." Or else the friend she was waiting for would have swooped in at that precise minute and saved us all from the horrifying awkwardness.

But her friend was late and I'm known to be a little slow, so I just say, "Oh" again.

And then I turn around, pick up my beer, and chug half of it. The other half goes right onto my pants.

She just shakes her head (very slowly), takes her phone out of her purse and texts someone -- the friend, I assume, to tell her to hurry up before the poor bastard in front of her has a nervous breakdown.

Look, I'm not saying women should carry around a sign that says, PREGNANT. On a lot of occasions, any idiot could plainly see that. But on other occasions, we idiots need a little bit of help.