Hold on to Your Hats

Once upon a time, Fire Joe Morgan was one of the best websites on the internet. Its purpose was simple: to take a piece of atrocious sportswriting or broadcasting and rip it to pieces. In essence, they took an article or column and provided hilarious running commentary. It was part Mystery Science Theater 3000, part Daily Show, part complete genius.

Tragically, their site is no more. The creators went on to bigger and better things, such as writing for The Office, occasionally cameo-ing as Mose Schrute, and creating what was the best comedy on television last year, Parks & Recreation.

All these wonderful things have helped heal the hole in my heart. But yet, on cold, dark nights, when the wind is high and Joe Morgan's voice comes from my TV, I weep a little and curse Dunder-Mifflin.

Today, Deadspin will be once again taken over by the creative minds behind Fire Joe Morgan. In the world of internet sports, that makes today Christmas.

They took over the site last year and all of their posts are worth reading 30 times, but if you really want to experience the essence of FJM, "Jesus is the Derek Jeter of Christianity" is utter brilliance, and the funniest thing I might have in the past 12 months.

So I'm, as they say, stoked.

Those of you who have been reading this blog for a while know I occasionally attempt to do something similar. My FJM's are nowhere near as good, and just a little too long, but they're fun to do and, hey, maybe you're really bored at work.

Thus, in honor of FJM's one-day returnation spectacular, I humbly present my own FJM'ing of the absurd NYT's expose about how New York criminals often ... wait, I won't spoil it. Try to see if you can crack the mystery, CSI'ers!

Two men and a woman broke into a locker at a Manhattan gym in February and stole credit cards, the first in a series of similar thefts.

Three months later, in May, a young man tried to rob a Chase bank in the Bronx armed with only a note, which he slipped to a teller. She read it and stepped away, and he fled empty-handed. Weeks later, in June, a gunman robbed a Family Dollar store in Queens.

Ooh, nice lede. Really grabs you, doesn't it? Without explicitly saying it, if you read between the lines, the writer tells you that THERE IS CRIME IN NEW YORK! People will do bad things to other people! And if you are a clerk in a bank, all you need to do is step away and the thief will just leave!

Also, dude, you're robbing a dollar store? Is this before or after you took a look at the name of the target and called off the Payless Shoe Source job?

Gym-locker heists, bank robberies, daylight holdups — these New York City crimes have only one thing in common, and it is not the culprits.

You mean there is more than one criminal in New York? Crikey! I knew we should have never released Steve Sax. Where is Chief Wiggum when you need him? Anyhow, I like this tease; it's very suspenseful. NCIS should absolutely hire this reporter as a writer.

So what do all these New York City crimes have in common?

It is the Yankees caps they wore.

Excuse me?

It is the Yankees caps they wore.

No, asshole, I heard you the first time. Your big point was that criminals in New York have a tendency to wear New York Yankee hats? That's what a paper bleeding money like a hemophiliac gave you funding to investigate? They're closing bureaus all over the world and prioritized your story over zillions of other things and all you could come up with is "New York criminals wear New York Yankees gear?" That's your point? That?

Damn it all.

What do you have to say for yourself?

A curious phenomenon has emerged at the intersection of fashion, sports and crime: dozens of men and women who have robbed, beaten, stabbed and shot at their fellow New Yorkers have done so while wearing Yankees caps or clothing.

Oh, don't try to disguise it with pretty words and and a sentence that sounds important. There is nothing curious about this. This has about as much to do with sports as noticing that a lot of people in the NYC subway also wear Yankee hats. And to say that fashion has anything to do with this would be like writing about what using ties instead of belts as tourniquets means for the men's clothing industry.

DON'T WRITE THAT DOWN, THAT WAS NOT AN IDEA.

One of the three suspects in the gym break-ins wore a blue Yankees cap. A security camera photographed the man who tried to rob the Bronx bank, and though his face was largely obscured, his Yankees hat was clearly visible. The Queens robbery suspect was last seen with a Yankees cap on his head.

When I was at Criminal University, I took this course called Getting Away With It 207: Hats and You. Professor Snake taught me that wearing a hat was important so that security cameras, which are often overhead, cannot film your face. That way, you remain a suspect, like the "largely obscured face" guy above, and stay away from Sing Sing.

In some ways, it is not surprising that Yankees attire is worn by both those who abide by the law and those who break it. The Yankees are one of the most famous franchises in sports, and their merchandise is widely available and hugely popular.

Professor Snake also gave us a quiz. The question was "What kind of hat should you wear?" The answers were a) beret, b) Top Hat, c) Trucker hat, or d) The most "widely available and hugely popular" hat in your particular city.

I went with C, but that was during my douchebag phase.

But Yankees caps and clothing have dominated the crime blotter for so long, in so many parts of the city and in so many types of offenses, that it defies an easy explanation. Criminologists, sports marketing analysts, consumer psychologists and Yankees fans have developed their own theories, with some attributing the trend to the popularity of the caps among gangsta rappers and others wondering whether criminals are identifying with the team’s aura of money, power and success.

Yes, the trend defied the easy "petty criminals wear the most popular piece of attire in NYC so that they will blend in with crowds" explanation. We must assemble a super team of super scientists to find a more complicated explanation for this trend. And don't forget to throw in Yankee fans into the brain trust here, if only to provide some balance, like when news program have to give equal time to this guy.

Also, don't immediately assume that the mystique of gangsta rappers is incompatible with the Yankee aura of money, power, and success. What would Bernie Williams think?

Since 2000, more than 100 people who have been suspects or persons of interest in connection with serious crimes in New York City wore Yankees apparel at the time of the crimes or at the time of their arrest or arraignment. The tally is based on a review of New York Police Department news releases, surveillance video and images of robberies and other crimes, as well as police sketches and newspaper articles that described suspects’ clothing. No other sports team comes close.

If you do the math, that's fewer than one Yankee-garbed criminal per month. But let's not allow facts to get in the way of our trends!

The Mets, forever in the shadow of their Bronx rivals, are perhaps grateful to be losing this one: only about a dozen people in the same review were found to be wearing Mets gear.

Yes, most Mets fans don't wear hats, preferring instead to don paper bags.

“It’s a shame,” said Chuck Frans, 57, the president of the 430-member Lehigh Valley Yankee Fan Club in Pennsylvania. “It makes us Yankees fans look like criminals, because of a few unfortunate people who probably don’t know the first thing about the Yankees.”

"It's a shame," said Paul Harrington, 48, the CEO of the $430 million Reebok Apparel Co., "It makes us Reebok executives look like criminals because of a few unfortunate people who probably don't know the first thing about Reebok shoes except that they're good for running away from the police."

The Yankees organization declined to comment for this article.

A-Rod would have said something but he was tackled by Jeter and Joba, then bound and gagged and carried away before he could open his mouth.

Antisocial behavior has no dress code; people wear what they please when they please, whether they are going to see a movie or going to rob a bank. And in New York City, that often means Yankees attire, regardless of the hour or the season.

What the hell does this even mean? Can Yankee hats not be worn after 6 p.m.? Are they verboten between Halloween and April Fool's day? And why in the blue hell is going to see a movie "antisocial behavior?" Seriously, man, don't you have an editor?

In April 2008, on the day after the Boston Red Sox defeated the Yankees in the Bronx, a man in a Yankees cap robbed a bank about a mile from Yankee Stadium. The woman who robbed a Manhattan bank on July 7 was diplomatic in her clothing choices: she wore an orange Mets cap and a gray Yankees T-shirt.

Didn't Hillary Clinton (New York Senate Edition) once say she rooted for both the Yankees and the Mets?

. . .

OHMYGOD.

Three gunmen burst into an apartment in Washington Heights on July 23, bound the hands and feet of the tenants and left with cash. A surveillance video released by the police and broadcast on television showed one of the suspects in a Yankees cap — one of the most iconic brands in sports represented, however briefly, by someone accused of helping tie up a 9-year-old girl.

Hey, thanks! I hadn't gotten my daily dose of unearned sanctimony of the day. Thanks, New York Post!

Oh, wait. This is the New York Times.

Look, man. I hate the Yankees as much as the next guy. But you're implying that a despicable bastard somehow represents the Yankees just because he chose to wear their hat on that particular day. You might as well say that all Ohio State fans are mouthbreathing, porn'stached weirdos who live with their parents just because they were caught doing unspeakable things at a library while wearing an OSU hoodie. Oh wait. You did.

One criminologist said the trend might be a result of what could be called the Jay-Z effect.

Oooh? Is this like the "50 Cent effect," which, of course, is a direct effect of the "Eminem effect," which is also the direct effect of the "Vanilla Ice effect?" Or is it more like the notorious "B.I.G. effect?"

As you can see, I clearly know nothing about rap. Maybe Dr. Criminologist can educate me.

The rapper Jay-Z has worn a Yankees cap for years — on his album covers and in his videos — and has helped turn the cap into a ubiquitous fashion accessory for urban youths (“I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can,” he boasts in one song).

I KNOW THIS SONG! I TOTALLY KNOW THIS SONG! Cooooooooncrete juuuuuuungle where dreeeeeams are maaaaaaaade, oh! I'm sorry, I got distracted. You were saying?

Criminals might be wearing Yankees merchandise not because they are fans of the team, but because they are fans of the cocked-hat look popularized by Jay-Z and other rappers, said the criminologist, Frankie Y. Bailey, an associate professor at the University at Albany, who is writing a book about the role of clothing and style in criminal cases.

“He wears it and makes it look cool,” Ms. Bailey said of Jay-Z and the cap. “It’s almost like the Yankees have acquired a kind of street rep, a coolness.”

The Yankees are about as cool as a 58-year old accountant named Mort who gives out fruitcakes to his friends at Christmas and occasionally enjoys a nip of Schnapps. That's like saying the Indianapolis Colts are cool. I've seen cooler people on the business class car of the Acela between D.C. and Wilmington.

It is but one of several theories. Sports marketing analysts say it is a matter of numbers: the Yankees sell more merchandise than any other baseball team. As of August, they hold a 25.13 percent market share of nationwide sales of merchandise licensed by Major League Baseball, with the Red Sox second at 7.96 percent and the Mets seventh at 5.32 percent, according to SportsOneSource, a firm that tracks the sporting goods industry.

Hey, you know how some people hear hooves and immediately think of zebras? This paragraph is the horses. And they just ran away and nobody even noticed.

For criminals outside New York, the team’s caps and clothing are nearly as popular.

The man who robbed a Chase branch in a Chicago suburb in May wore a Yankees cap. In July, a young man in a Yankees cap assaulted an 81-year-old woman in her home, about 2,800 miles from Yankee Stadium, in Seattle.

You mean to tell me that, in a concerted effort to turn a profit, apparel manufacturers ship their wares to other cities in the country to be purchased? What a novel idea! Get me J. Pierpont Morgan on the telephone device immediately and make it snappy, Mildred!

“Why people pick the Yankees over the Mariners, I don’t know,” said Detective Mark Jamieson, a Seattle police spokesman. “It just happened to be an article of clothing he was wearing on that particular day.”

Ooh, horses again!

And Yankees caps hold a distinguished place in the annals of crime: the man who robbed more banks than anyone else in American history wore one. Edwin Chambers Dodson, known as the Yankee Bandit because he wore a Yankees cap and sunglasses during most of his holdups, robbed 72 banks in Southern California in the early 1980s and the late 1990s.

Mr. Dodson, who died in 2003, was a fan of the team. “We did everything we could to get this guy,” said William J. Rehder, 69, a retired special agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigation who was the longtime coordinator of bank robbery investigations in the Los Angeles area.

Mr. Rehder not only named the Yankee Bandit, but helped put him behind bars twice. “I couldn’t figure out why he was so lucky,” he said. “I didn’t attribute anything to the cap, but I’m sure he did.”

When reached in heaven, Mr. Dodson said, "That was the cap I owned, so that was the cap I wore. Now quit bugging me, I have a date with Marilyn Monroe."

Mr. Rehder, now a security consultant in Los Angeles, is a Dodgers fan. Nevertheless, he keeps an old, worn Yankees cap on a shelf in his office at home. Mr. Rehder never wears it. It belonged to the Yankee Bandit.

And that, children, is because Mr. Rehder is not a criminal, like all those other Yankees suspected of assault, obstruction of justice, possession of a controlled substance, trespassing, lewd behavior, and cruelty against animals.